Review #15 -- Burgers, Fries, and Cherry Pies

My friend AM had a wedding coming up and wanted me to go out to see him in Midland beforehand. I agreed to do so, and, when I told him about Burger Quest, he started raving over this new burger place that Texas Monthly ranked very high on their list of burgers. He said Burgers, Fries, & Cherry Pies (“BFCP”) agreed to a deal which would create franchises all over the state, including Houston. For that reason, I decided to do a guest burger quest in Midland with one important caveat – this burger is NOT eligible to win the best burger in Houston award (which consists primarily of my praise).






I told the guy at the counter who was apparently the owner about Burger Quest. When he said he has the best burger in the country, I instinctively raved over In-N-Out. He countered saying that a guy walked into his store with an In-N-Out t-shirt, and the owner challenged the guy. The terms were this: if the customer thought In-N-Out was better, the owner would refund his money, but if the customer thought BFCP was better he had to buy a BFCP shirt and change on the spot. The owner said that the guy walked out in a BFCP t-shirt. He also said that his establishment was rated the #1 burger in the country. I have a hard time believing both of those stories after trying the food.








The owner told us the burgers are cooked with a french sauce (béarnaise perhaps?) soaked in the middle, dried, and then finished cooking. I’m pretty sensitive to flavors, and I tasted no such thing in the 1/3 pound burger. One compliment I will give the place is that the buns were toasted and quality. The meat consistency reminded me more of Backyard Burgers and less of a fresh, smooth burger. It did not have the distinctive flavor of anything really – it didn’t taste like Whataburger (as most do), it didn’t taste char-grilled, it didn’t taste broiled, it didn’t taste beefy, and it didn’t have that excellent fast food flavor (such as In-N-Out). I hate describing things by mentioning things that they aren’t, but I don’t know how else to approach it here. However, the bread alone justifies a slightly higher than average rating.

As for the other food there: the fries were ok, the tator tots were very good, and the chocolate cake was good. I also somehow managed to eat the fried cherry pie after all that (you’d think I would be full by then, but I wasn’t), and it was very good. I’d definitely go back to BFCP just to get dessert.


Burgers, Fries, & Cherry Pies final rating – 6

(For the record, AM gave the burger a 9.)

Review #14 -- Bubba's Burger Shack

Bubba’s Burger Shack recently stood as one of the final heavyweights of Burger Quest. People on internet forums routinely claim it’s by far the best hamburger in Houston, and it was one of the common suggestions by people viewing my Facebook page. When JW and I were at Champ Burger, he suggested that he’d always seen an old trailer literally underneath the freeway near a power substation. Because I’ve done my burger research, I knew he was talking about Bubba’s Burger Shack, so we agreed to go one night the following week.







Some of the reviews suggested that this place was too dirty to eat at. After seeing the small icehouse in person, I can’t say I disagree. I’m not sure most animals would be comfortable eating there, much less people. The inside of the restaurant was tiny and had only three or four tables. The outside of the restaurant had a fairly spacious deck/patio area in front, although they did allow smoking on it. If I haven’t said it before on this blog, I’ll say it now – I hate the smell of smoke. Nevertheless, we sat on the patio thinking the smoke would not interfere with the taste of the food.




Bubba’s Burger Shack doesn’t have fries. They opted to offer me chips instead, which I agreed to accept. However, when they brought my food, they didn’t bring any chips. They also didn’t bring ketchup, and they were rather stingy with it when asked. The guys working there were nice enough, though.


As for the burger itself, it’s another example of a review that probably won’t mean much to many of you. As far as aesthetics go, it was an average sized 1/3 pound burger.





The burger had an odd seasoning on it (part garlic I’m sure, but I couldn’t tell what else was in it). I managed to take a couple of bites, but I definitely was not a fan. I can see how someone who liked those seasonings would rave over this burger, though. If you like various unusual seasonings in your burger, you’ll love this place. I, on the other hand, abstain from such delicacies.


Final Bubba’s Burger Shack rating – 2

(For the record, JW gave it a 7.5)

Review #13 -- Jax Grill

It seems like everyone in Houston has been to Jax Grill. I know I’ve been there over a dozen times, but I’ve never ordered a burger. Instead I’ve always gotten fried shrimp or cheese dip there, both of which are above average for Houston.





SD was in town for summer break, and she requested we do a burger quest to Jax. SA was still in town and came along as well, but, as before, he did not participate by ordering a burger.





As Jax is known for, the food was ready seemingly instantaneously. The burger itself was probably between 1/3 and 1/2 of a pound, and it looked and smelled like it would have a quality char-grilled flavor. The burger did not disappoint on that end, as it tasted much like Two Rows, which I previously gave a 7 for its excellent char-grilled flavor. If I had to give the edge to one of the two restaurants, I’d say Jax was slightly better, though there was not much of a perceivable difference in taste. I was a bit happier with Jax because they didn’t leave all the fixings on the side (as I always order my burger plain) like Two Rows did. I suppose Two Rows is a much better place to take a date, though. Then again, I'm not sure ordering a burger on a date will get you very far.


The French Fries at Jax are lightly seasoned and heavily gross. It’s a good thing we’re not rating French Fries or Jax would take a substantial hit.


Final Jax Grill rating – 7

(For the record, SD gives the burger a 9) (CHECK)

Review #12 -- Triple A Restaurant

SA, an old friend of mine was visiting and wanted to try a new restaurant. About a week before, a guy at Barbeque Inn’s counter suggested that I try Triple A Restaurant, and we were in the neighborhood passing by. It’s pretty easy to see how this particular burger adventure started.

Triple A Restaurant has been in the same location since the 1940s. The restaurant is definitely showing its age, as is the factory it’s connected to. We talked to the owner a bit as we came in, and then we walked to the seating area. Of note, if you go here, you’ll feel like a giant next to the bar and stools area. They must be no more than 2 feet off the ground.









The interior is very reminiscent of Barbeque Inn, which makes sense given that they’re pretty close to the same age. It was nowhere near as crowded as Barbeque Inn, though. Triple A had 2 flavors of burger, so I ordered both (I also got the fried shrimp to sample): the fresh meat patty that they make each day and the frozen patty that’s a bit cheaper. The fresh patty is about as thick as two frozen patties, so I ordered a double meat burger for my frozen part of the order.


Here’s a picture of the fresh meat:






And here’s a picture of the frozen meat:






Predictably, the fresh burger was a full point better than the frozen burger, though it was more texture that was changed rather than the flavor itself. The fresh burger tasted fresh and had a strong “ground beef” flavor. However, its ground beef flavor was rather bland. The frozen burger featured two 1/4 patties which tasted a good bit like a below average version of Whataburger. If you’re wondering, the shrimp wasn’t worth returning for – it tastes like another place I’ve had before but just can’t put my finger on. The French Fries were very average, but definitely edible. One thing I will say for this place is the waitress and the owner were both some of the friendliest people I’ve met on Burger Quest.



Final Triple A Restaurant Fresh Burger rating – 5

Final Triple A Restaurant Frozen Burger rating – 4


(For the record – SA had the pork chops and did not participate in this burger quest. Also for the record, I told the owner I would give her hamburgers 7s because I felt guilty…alas I cannot lie to the true followers of Burger Quest 2010.)

Review #11 -- Avalon Diner

Remember when my friend at the bar suggested Annie’s and claimed it was the best hamburger in town after we debated the quality of Lankford’s? One of the other places she considered top five was Avalon Diner. Combine that with the fact that people on various internet forums swear by Avalon Diner and you have another one of Houston’s burger heavyweights.






Avalon Diner has existed basically longer than 90% of the population has been breathing. The website, http://www.avalondiner.com (and menu) claims 1938 as the date it opened, but the shopping center and restaurant itself felt much newer than, say, Barbeque Inn, Bellaire Broiler Burger, and Triple A Restaurant. It really just didn’t give me the classic diner vibe. Top that off with difficult hours to visit for a burger (they’re only open until 4 PM most days), and I was already annoyed. That’s why a burger heavyweight only a few miles from my house fell into the double digit number of reviews.

Nevertheless, I finally found some time on the weekend that I could make it over to Avalon Diner. I was pleasantly surprised to see they serve breakfast all day, so I ordered French Toast to accompany my burger and fries.




The burger was a good size. I would say about 1/3 of a pound. It wasn’t too thick, nor was it too thin. One thing it was, however, was cut in half. The waitress informed me that they always cut their burgers in half old-time style. I’ll admit it did make the burger easier to handle, but I’m a purist and would have preferred a single patty.

Unfortunately, the burger’s taste did not match the quality of its size. This is one review, however, where I’ll say your own mileage may vary. The burger had a strong garlic flavor (stronger than Burger Shack, the first review). I was only able to take a couple of bites before I moved on to the French Toast and French Fries instead, both of which were decent but not stellar.


Avalon Diner Final Rating – 2 (I could eat it if I had to, but I definitely would not enjoy it)

Review #10 -- Champ Burger

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated this blog, and I have a ton of updates to make. However, before we get to those, it’s been announced (as predicted in April) that In-N-Out is opening locations in Dallas. Given that my informant said definitively that they would open locations in Houston shortly after Dallas, Houston will probably see In-N-Out within the next couple of years. This information likely makes Burger Quest obsolete, but I’ll continue on in the meantime.

A few weeks ago, I recruited my coworker JW as a new burger quest associate. After all, every adventurer needs a strong supporting cast. I anticipate JW will participate in many future burger quests. The locale we chose was Champ Burger, which is just east of downtown. Anyone who knows anything about Houston knows the area just east of downtown is a bit sketchy. That Champ Burger has survived there for 40+ years could have been proof of a quality burger.












To say Champ Burger was the most meager building in Burger Quest 2010 so far would be an understatement (although its reign as most meager would be short lived...). Champ Burger had no inside seating. Instead, it has a counter that you order and pick up food as well as a large patio area with both stone and wooden tables. The building itself is very old and worn. Also worth mentioning is that the only parking available for Champ Burger is street parking.

A couple of things before the burger review. First, the place is so popular that people call ahead to order and the line appears to be pretty steady with both people from the area and downtown. Second, JW requested that I mention how they ripped him off. I ordered a burger, fries, and a large drink, which was $7. He ordered a burger, fries, and a small drink, which was $7. After he was puzzled over this, he looked at the menu and added the price of the items together plus tax only to discover they overcharged him 37 cents in the interest of not giving change. Third, whenever people order To Go orders, they’re given the order in cardboard boxes, which we were amused by:







For a place that’s been around for 40 years, Champ Burger was remarkably average. It was a good sized 1/3 burger with a slight hint of a peppery beefy taste. The bun tasted very generic. The meat itself was smooth and tasted fresh. The fries were above average, but nothing special. If this burger were downtown, I might go in the interest of quickness, but it’s not worth the 5-10 minute drive from my office.









Final Champ Burger rating – 5

(For the record, JW gave it a 5 as well)

Review #9 -- Bellaire Broiler Burger

Bellaire Broiler Burger ("BBB") was one of the heavyweight favorites going into Burger Quest (along with Christian's, Mel's, Lankford's, and Annie's). Everywhere I looked online from forums to blogs sang the praises of BBB. On Saturday May 8, just less than 24 hours after Lucky Burger, AK and I headed off to investigate the burger quality of BBB.



The building was on the corner of Bellaire and Bissonnet (strangely, parallel streets manage to intersect there). The meager (and that's being polite) appearance of BBB gave us both hope -- if this place was crowded despite looking like it could be condemned, then the food *had* to be good. Thankfully, the sign informed us that BBB has a dining room AND to-go options! Perhaps 50 years ago it was uncommon for a burger place to have both?

Hamburgers at BBB were about $5, and you order at the counter and wait for your number to be called. I doubt the restaurant has been renovated since the 50s, save gray masking tape to cover up the holes in the fabric of the booths. AK was sure to grab a picture of those, which I'd be happy to post when she sends it later.

After about 10 minutes or so, our lucky number was called. The burger looked like pure quality and the fries looked legendary. It's too bad that the decor of the restaurant and lack of windows resulted in a dark, blurry picture:



The patties were about 1/4 pound each and the flavor was fantastic. The burger's flavor was similar to Annie's steakish grilled taste, although it wasn't *quite* as tasty. I would say that BBB is almost like Annie's little brother -- it showed promise, but it's just not quite as good. AK was fairly blown away, but she has yet to have Annie's. I'll share her comparison between the two after we go there in a week or two.

As an aside, the fries weren't quite as good as they looked, and they actually fell a little short compared to Lucky Burger's and Annie's.

Final BBB rating -- 8

(For the record, AK gave BBB an 8.5)

Review #8 -- Two Rows

KC, my trusty Burger Quest friend, had insisted that I go to Two Rows ever since I started Burger Quest over a month ago. She swore behind the Two Rows burger, insisting it was the best in town. After the Lucky Burger disappointment from lunch that Friday, I decided that Two Rows had to be an upgrade compared to my lunch, so KC and I headed that direction that night.



Much to my surprise, Two Rows is a Chili's-esque restaurant on the second story of the Rice Village parking garage multiplex. After seeing how new and generic Two Rows appeared to be, I began to doubt the quality of the burger (although I'm confident other menu items would taste great). KC continued to reassure me that I would be shocked at the taste.



KC was wrong. I wasn't "shocked" at the taste. However, she was right, the burger at Two Rows is indeed quality. For reference, Chili's burger would be a 3 or so, but Two Rows was significantly better. It had a great char-grilled flavor and almost tasted a bit like Annie's. Almost. It was a bit too thick and a good bit too dry. It also had a very "this burger wasn't made at this restaurant, it was frozen and brought in" look and taste. Still, I was pleasantly surprised at the good flavor considering that thicker burgers aren't usually my style. I would definitely go back to Two Rows, I just wouldn't make it a priority. I'd say KC wins this round, but that's mostly because I expected it to be a sub-5 burger when I saw the place.

Final rating -- 7 (really more of a 6.5, but I only give whole numbers)

(For the record, KC gave the burger a 10)

Review #7 -- Lucky Burger

It seems that Burger Quest has been a hit, at least among my circle of friends. I've gotten several requests to participate, but most people seem to just want to go to Christian's or Annie's in light of my positive reviews. KK, a coworker, decided to be more adventuresome -- he wanted to be a part of Burger Quest history by going to a new place instead.

After a 2 week hiatus in new Burger Quests, KK and I traveled to Lucky Burger on Richmond for lunch on Friday May 7 -- my first of 3 new Burger Quests in a 24 hour period. Lucky Burger is 35 years old and has been reviewed very positively on city-data forums and their website (http://www.luckyburger.com/index.php) lists accolades such as being named City Search's best hamburger in 2007. The building itself would be pretty hard to pass up, though I'm not sure why a barrel was used for a burger restaurant:





Before I go forward with the negatives, let's talk about the positives. The lunch special was $7.64, and it included a double hamburger with french fries and a drink. If nothing else, the prices are a steal for aspiring burger questers. KK and I were in a hurry to get back to work, and Lucky Burger did not fail us in that regard...the hamburgers were out in about 5 minutes. The french fries were outstanding, even for a discriminating french fry connoisseur, and the Small size provided plenty of fries to accompany a burger.

Unfortunately, that's about all I can say for the positives of Lucky Burger. The burger itself, like Mytiburger, tasted much like What-a-Burger, only slightly better. The patties were 1/4 pound patties, but they were somewhat chewy and had that What-a-burger flavor we all know here in Texas.



I think the best thing I can say about Lucky Burger's burger is that it wasn't really memorable at all. If you ask me what it tasted like in a week, I don't think I could really tell you -- it really wasn't that good or bad. I would go there again if I were in the neighborhood and hungry, but I don't see any future Lucky Burger cravings sneaking up on me.

Final rating -- 5.

(For the record, KK also gave it a 5)

Review #6 -- Annie's Hamburgers

Fast forward a week from the Mytiburger debacle. That Friday night I was in a heated discussion regarding my poor view of Lankford's with a friend at a bar. As a Lankford's apologist, she simply could not fathom my average review of their burger. After she questioned my burger tastes, she told me that I could salvage her respect with a positive review of Annie's Hamburgers. I agreed to make Annie's my next burger quest stop.

KC was the Burger PIC (partner-in-crime) for the Annie's adventure the next day. I somehow forgot to take a picture of the outside, but it was pretty plain -- nothing more than a single unit in an tiny ancient strip mall. The wooden tables were too uneven to lean on and the decor just felt like there was a ton of wood everywhere. Here's a picture of the menu:



I ordered a double meat burger plain. Each of the patties was about 1/4 pound thick. Each of the patties also tasted like heaven. I could seriously eat those things without the bun, or ketchup, or anything really. The grilled steakish flavor of the meat reminded me of something that I couldn't put my finger on -- until later that week when I had Fogo De Chao again. That's when I realized that the burger at Annie's strongly resembles the flavor of the top sirloin cut at Fogo.



Initially I gave the burger an 8. However, after I started craving it a week later, I realized this was no ordinary burger. No -- it was an In-N-Out fighter. Certainly it wasn't as good as In-N-Out, but it's a much more formidable contender than Christian's was. Christian's was a solid, fresh, smooth burger. Annie's was a flavorful masterpiece despite not having the fresh, smooth taste of Christian's. In light of Annie's (and I've now been more than once), I've revised my Christian's review to an 8. Annie's is the true 9 of Burger Quest thus far. It looks like the Lankford's friend was right -- about Annie's at least. It almost makes me think I should give Lankford's another spin. Almost.

Final Rating -- 9.

(KC gave Annie's a 7, for comparison)

Review #5 -- Mytiburger

Sundays are a tough day to go on burger quests. So many of the top destinations for potentially heavenly burgers are closed or at least have limited hours. However, one Sunday in April KC wanted a break from studying, so she texted and a burger quest was born.

After a quick forum search, we decided that Mytiburger would be the choice, so I called Mytiburger to make sure they were open. The owner, Kathy, answered and informed me that they were indeed open. I then asked Kathy if she made the best burger in town -- her answer was a resounding instantaneous "YES!" Perhaps Kathy meant that a burger she made at home was the best in Houston, because Mytiburger certainly wasn't.

Here is the front of Mytiburger:





The burgers were pretty cheap. I don't remember the exact prices, I just remember it being in line with what I was paying everywhere else. The employees were incredibly friendly. The strangest thing about Mytiburger, however (aside from the 60s decor), was the obsession with Coca-Cola products. The walls were adorned with classic coke cans, bottles, advertisements, pictures, just about everything you could think of...there was even a gigantic stuffed Coca-Cola polar bear in one corner. I thought of trying to order a Pepsi for amusement, but then realized that tourists to the Mytiburger world (such as myself) probably do that routinely.

The burger itself reminded me of a slightly better version of What-a-burger. It seemed to be a 1/4 pound patty and had that distinct What-a-burger flavor, if just a bit fresher. The fries were quality. Needless to say, I was relatively unimpressed with the burger. Somehow, I forgot to take a picture of the burger, but at least you aren't missing much.

Final rating -- 5.

(For the record, KC also gave it a 5)

Review #4 -- Lankford's Grocery

After Christian's Tailgate turned out to be a massive success, I optimistically moved on to the next heavy hitter. Lankford's Grocery has been featured on the Food Network's Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives show. I haven't seen the episode, but I was told that the hosts gave it rave reviews. Needless to say, I was pretty thrilled to make my way over there. They even have a website on which they claim to be the home of Houston's best burger: http://lankfordgrocery.com.

Lankford's is only open Monday - Saturday 7 AM to 3 PM, and they only take cash. It's also not in the best area of town, and you'd better like the idea of street parking on abnormally narrow streets with huge ditches if you visit. It's also not a haven for fountain drink lovers -- you pay your $2 and get a can of coke and a glass of ice to pour it over. Sure, those things are negatives, but an awesome burger can make up for a lot. Unfortunately, Lankford's didn't have much awesomeness to spare. Here's a picture I "borrowed" from their website:



As best I can tell, Lankford's was an old grocery store that was converted to a restaurant eons ago. You sit down and there is a waiter that gives you table service. I ordered just a normal size hamburger, which the waitress told me was 10 ounces. Let me say that again, rephrased: Lankford's normal burger is ALMOST 3/4 of a pound!

I expected an overly thick burger, but instead it was just enormous in circumference. Here's a picture:



Lankford's was a decent burger. Maybe I would have been happier with it had I not had such unreasonably high expectations. Unfortunately, I did have those, and Lankford's didn't come close to meeting them. I did somehow manage to make it through half of the burger, which was surprising considering that the burger was a bit dry, almost completely flavorless, and just overall very average. I wish I could say the french fries made up for it, but the fries laid mostly uneaten when my meal was done -- anyone who knows my love for french fries should know what that means.

Lankford's Grocery final rating -- 5.

Review #3 -- Christian's Tailgate

I take my reviewing seriously. It's like a job, except the only pay I get is the satisfaction of knowing which burgers in town are worth eating. That's why I insisted on having Christian's Tailgate 5 times before writing this review (that and I was too busy at work to get to it). I honestly wasn't sure what rating to give it after the first time or two, but more on that later. Get ready, this is going to be a lengthy review.

Christian's Tailgate used to be called Christian's Totem according to my research. It was voted the best burger in Houston by citysearch and the Houston Press more times than not. According to the menu (and their website, see http://www.christianstailgate.com), Playboy Magazine listed Christian's Tailgate as one of the top 10 burgers in the entire US. I don't read Playboy, so I'll have to take the menu's word for it.

With these accolades, you would assume that the trip to Christian's was doomed to be a huge disappointment as it couldn't possibly live up to my then lofty expectations. With that assumption, you would be wrong.

First off, to clarify, there are two Christian's Tailgate locations -- the original on Washington and I-10 right by Denny's and then one in Midtown, which is more of a bar. My experience indicates the burger was identical at both, so I won't bifurcate this review. Instead, I'll just focus primarily on the Washington location, which I've visited 4 times over the past few weeks. Unsurprisingly, I forgot to take a picture of it each and every time I visited, so for now I'll steal this picture from Texas Burger Guy's blog:



The restaurant itself looks like an old double-wide trailer. It has a pungent aroma that isn't exactly pleasant. The lighting is what I'd expect from a run-down bar. Yet, 3 of the 4 times I went I had to wait in line for over 15 minutes. That's the sign of an awesome burger. You order at the counter, and then take a seat while you wait for them to call your name. I've seen comments around the internet that call the people who work the register "burger nazis", but I've had nothing but good experiences with them.

Regardless, you're reading because you want to know about the burger. Here's a picture of one (that I actually took myself!):



Christian's (like the previous two places I reviewed) does not freeze their meat, and you can tell by the texture and taste. The burgers have almost a silky/buttery smooth taste to them. It's tough to describe to someone who hasn't been, but it's almost as it if the meat melts in your mouth while you chew it. The flavor is outstanding -- both the meat and the bun have a quality "meat" taste without unnecessary seasonings. I ordered the 1/3 pounder, and trust me when I say it was plenty big. For some reason, it's substantially bigger than, say, Fuddrucker's 1/3 pounder. I can't imagine how someone could eat the entire 1/2 pound burger, much less the DOUBLE patty burger they offer. Even the 1/3 pound burger is a two-handed burger...don't try eating that guy with one hand. Even more astounding is that it's only $7.57 for a 1/3 pound combo that includes fries and a drink.

I've also tried the queso, the deep fried bacon, and the french fries. The queso is probably below average, but is edible. The deep fried bacon isn't as good as you'd expect. The french fries aren't quite average either. But none of that matters when the burger is as close to perfection on a bun as I've found so far in Houston.

Before I give my rating, I'll share ratings from a few people that joined me on these various trips (I'll give initials for their privacy):

KC (the only girl of the group to go with me), my trusty Burger Quest accomplice: "It's really good, but not as good as Five Guys."

JL: "This is definitely the best burger I've ever eaten at a restaurant anywhere. I've eaten better at home, but this is close."

TM: "This is the best burger I've had in Houston."

TP: "This is the best burger I've ever eaten."

As you can see, aside from KC, everyone loved it. I'm somewhere between KC and the guys saying the burger is the best ever. I've been torn for weeks on whether to rate Christian's Tailgate an 8, a 9, or even a 10. Ultimately, I think I've decided on 9, as it's not quite as good as In-N-Out with "quite" being the operable word there. Christian's is lucky, however, that I don't take the quality of the fries into account in my ratings.

EDIT on May 8, 2010:

After visiting several other Burger Quest locations, I've decided that Christian's needs to be downgraded just a bit. I'm revising this rating to make the rating consistent with recent burger quests.

Christian's Tailgate final rating -- 8.

Review #2 -- Tornado Burger

The setting: Easter Sunday, 2010. After Burger Shack's failure to impress me, I decided to try Tornado Burger. My expectations were high for Tornado burger after reading rave reviews from city-data.com forums and the Houston Chronicle. In fact, the writer for the Chronicle went as far as to say Tornado burger tasted *just like* In-N-Out.

After a long drive to the middle of nowhere (otherwise known as outside of the Beltway), I arrived at a modest looking building that shared a parking lot with a large church. To be fair, the church was in what looked to be an abandoned Walmart building.



I stole that picture from the Houston Chronicle review by Robb Walsh. Apologies in advance to that reviewer. As I said in the post below, this was in the pre-acknowledgement days of the epic Burger Quest.

Anyway, much to my dismay, the guy at the counter told me they soak their burgers in worcestershire sauce before cooking them. I reluctantly braved the road ahead relying on Robb Walsh's promise that it tasted like In-N-Out. I probably don't need to tell you this, but Robb Walsh lied.

Here's what I will give Tornado Burger: it looks like In-N-Out. The patties are slender, and I was almost convinced I was looking at an In-N-Out burger because the thickness of the Double Meat burger was almost identical and they use the same ketchup containers as In-N-Out. The bun seemed fresh, and I did believe their claim that the meat was never frozen. The following picture is also taken from the Houston Chronicle review:



That's where the similarities to In-N-Out end. One bite of this burger (which subsequently ended up in a napkin) was all it took to convince me to throw my meal away and drive (quickly) to Fogo De Chao for their special Easter Sunday lunch. As an aside, their fries are seasoned heavily. I wasn't a fan at all, but I can see how some people would be.

I'm pretty convinced that Tornado Burger is In-N-Out's dark side of the force. It shares the same look as In-N-Out, but it's as if In-N-Out took everything that was good and holy about the look and left all the negative qualities to Tornado Burger. In-N-Out is the perfect 10, whereas Tornado Burger is the perfect 1. On the one hand, I was annoyed at driving so far to taste the worst hamburger I could imagine. On the other hand, I was relieved that now my scale has examples at each end because, let's face it, at least McDonald's and the other potential 1's are at least edible.

On the way to Fogo, I was left with a couple philosophical questions to ponder about my trip to Tornado Burger. Does Tornado Burger prove that for every true good in the world there must be a corresponding evil? Was I being punished for spending Easter Lunch alone in Houston rather than celebrating with family?

Regardless, the final rating of Tornado Burger was the first clear "1" in Burger Quest. However, little did I know that on the horizon was the best burger in Houston so far...

If you want to experience burger misery yourself, you can find Tornado Burger at 505 Murphy Road, Stafford, TX 77477-5417.

Final Tornado Burger taste rating -- 1.

Review #1 -- Burger Shack

Rewind to a late March Friday in 2010 -- the day Burger Quest began. I left the office at a reasonable hour (7:30 PM for all you non-attorneys) and was craving a burger. Naturally, after having In-N-Out the week before, not just any burger would work. I needed a mountain of a burger...not mountainous in size, rather mountainous in quality. Fortunately, internet forums heard my plea and Google suggested Burger Shack to quench my hunger.

After my navigation system took me to the wrong place, I looked around using the archaic methods of reading street signs and business/house numbers. I felt like a pilgrim in some ways. Somehow, I managed to find the place.



As you can see, it wasn't much to look at. That's usually the mark of a great burger place. After all, if you can convince people to eat in a place that should otherwise be condemned, then the food is probably pretty awesome. Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the burger. At that time, Burger Quest was a mere twinkle in my eye. Nonetheless, I'll describe it for you.

The burger was reasonably thick. I'd guess it was only 1/3 of a pound, but it wasn't large in diameter. The restaurant advertised that they never freeze the meat, and I believe them. The meat was smooth and melted in my mouth just a bit. It was cooked just right, but it was also overly seasoned. I'm not a fan of garlic, and I'm positive this burger had plenty of it. I only had about 1/3 of the burger, but I tasted the garlic aftertaste all night. The fries were adequate, but not particularly good. I'd liken them to those flavorless thick square fries that you get from low end bars.

If I were rating freshness, I'd give it a 9. Unfortunately, I'm only interested in the taste of the burger, because that's really what Burger Quest is all about. For that reason, I have to give it a 4. Anything below a 5 is considered FAIL. Therefore, Burger Shack is unfortunately a failed candidate for best Houston burger.

However, if you love garlic and want a fresh tasting burger to tide you over until In-N-Out comes around (and you don't mind generic fries), take a drive over to Burger Shack and don't trust your navigation systems. You can find it at 14741 Memorial Drive, Houston, TX 77079-5236, just west of Dairy Ashford on Memorial.

Final Burger Shack rating -- 4.