Review #3 -- Christian's Tailgate

I take my reviewing seriously. It's like a job, except the only pay I get is the satisfaction of knowing which burgers in town are worth eating. That's why I insisted on having Christian's Tailgate 5 times before writing this review (that and I was too busy at work to get to it). I honestly wasn't sure what rating to give it after the first time or two, but more on that later. Get ready, this is going to be a lengthy review.

Christian's Tailgate used to be called Christian's Totem according to my research. It was voted the best burger in Houston by citysearch and the Houston Press more times than not. According to the menu (and their website, see http://www.christianstailgate.com), Playboy Magazine listed Christian's Tailgate as one of the top 10 burgers in the entire US. I don't read Playboy, so I'll have to take the menu's word for it.

With these accolades, you would assume that the trip to Christian's was doomed to be a huge disappointment as it couldn't possibly live up to my then lofty expectations. With that assumption, you would be wrong.

First off, to clarify, there are two Christian's Tailgate locations -- the original on Washington and I-10 right by Denny's and then one in Midtown, which is more of a bar. My experience indicates the burger was identical at both, so I won't bifurcate this review. Instead, I'll just focus primarily on the Washington location, which I've visited 4 times over the past few weeks. Unsurprisingly, I forgot to take a picture of it each and every time I visited, so for now I'll steal this picture from Texas Burger Guy's blog:



The restaurant itself looks like an old double-wide trailer. It has a pungent aroma that isn't exactly pleasant. The lighting is what I'd expect from a run-down bar. Yet, 3 of the 4 times I went I had to wait in line for over 15 minutes. That's the sign of an awesome burger. You order at the counter, and then take a seat while you wait for them to call your name. I've seen comments around the internet that call the people who work the register "burger nazis", but I've had nothing but good experiences with them.

Regardless, you're reading because you want to know about the burger. Here's a picture of one (that I actually took myself!):



Christian's (like the previous two places I reviewed) does not freeze their meat, and you can tell by the texture and taste. The burgers have almost a silky/buttery smooth taste to them. It's tough to describe to someone who hasn't been, but it's almost as it if the meat melts in your mouth while you chew it. The flavor is outstanding -- both the meat and the bun have a quality "meat" taste without unnecessary seasonings. I ordered the 1/3 pounder, and trust me when I say it was plenty big. For some reason, it's substantially bigger than, say, Fuddrucker's 1/3 pounder. I can't imagine how someone could eat the entire 1/2 pound burger, much less the DOUBLE patty burger they offer. Even the 1/3 pound burger is a two-handed burger...don't try eating that guy with one hand. Even more astounding is that it's only $7.57 for a 1/3 pound combo that includes fries and a drink.

I've also tried the queso, the deep fried bacon, and the french fries. The queso is probably below average, but is edible. The deep fried bacon isn't as good as you'd expect. The french fries aren't quite average either. But none of that matters when the burger is as close to perfection on a bun as I've found so far in Houston.

Before I give my rating, I'll share ratings from a few people that joined me on these various trips (I'll give initials for their privacy):

KC (the only girl of the group to go with me), my trusty Burger Quest accomplice: "It's really good, but not as good as Five Guys."

JL: "This is definitely the best burger I've ever eaten at a restaurant anywhere. I've eaten better at home, but this is close."

TM: "This is the best burger I've had in Houston."

TP: "This is the best burger I've ever eaten."

As you can see, aside from KC, everyone loved it. I'm somewhere between KC and the guys saying the burger is the best ever. I've been torn for weeks on whether to rate Christian's Tailgate an 8, a 9, or even a 10. Ultimately, I think I've decided on 9, as it's not quite as good as In-N-Out with "quite" being the operable word there. Christian's is lucky, however, that I don't take the quality of the fries into account in my ratings.

EDIT on May 8, 2010:

After visiting several other Burger Quest locations, I've decided that Christian's needs to be downgraded just a bit. I'm revising this rating to make the rating consistent with recent burger quests.

Christian's Tailgate final rating -- 8.

Review #2 -- Tornado Burger

The setting: Easter Sunday, 2010. After Burger Shack's failure to impress me, I decided to try Tornado Burger. My expectations were high for Tornado burger after reading rave reviews from city-data.com forums and the Houston Chronicle. In fact, the writer for the Chronicle went as far as to say Tornado burger tasted *just like* In-N-Out.

After a long drive to the middle of nowhere (otherwise known as outside of the Beltway), I arrived at a modest looking building that shared a parking lot with a large church. To be fair, the church was in what looked to be an abandoned Walmart building.



I stole that picture from the Houston Chronicle review by Robb Walsh. Apologies in advance to that reviewer. As I said in the post below, this was in the pre-acknowledgement days of the epic Burger Quest.

Anyway, much to my dismay, the guy at the counter told me they soak their burgers in worcestershire sauce before cooking them. I reluctantly braved the road ahead relying on Robb Walsh's promise that it tasted like In-N-Out. I probably don't need to tell you this, but Robb Walsh lied.

Here's what I will give Tornado Burger: it looks like In-N-Out. The patties are slender, and I was almost convinced I was looking at an In-N-Out burger because the thickness of the Double Meat burger was almost identical and they use the same ketchup containers as In-N-Out. The bun seemed fresh, and I did believe their claim that the meat was never frozen. The following picture is also taken from the Houston Chronicle review:



That's where the similarities to In-N-Out end. One bite of this burger (which subsequently ended up in a napkin) was all it took to convince me to throw my meal away and drive (quickly) to Fogo De Chao for their special Easter Sunday lunch. As an aside, their fries are seasoned heavily. I wasn't a fan at all, but I can see how some people would be.

I'm pretty convinced that Tornado Burger is In-N-Out's dark side of the force. It shares the same look as In-N-Out, but it's as if In-N-Out took everything that was good and holy about the look and left all the negative qualities to Tornado Burger. In-N-Out is the perfect 10, whereas Tornado Burger is the perfect 1. On the one hand, I was annoyed at driving so far to taste the worst hamburger I could imagine. On the other hand, I was relieved that now my scale has examples at each end because, let's face it, at least McDonald's and the other potential 1's are at least edible.

On the way to Fogo, I was left with a couple philosophical questions to ponder about my trip to Tornado Burger. Does Tornado Burger prove that for every true good in the world there must be a corresponding evil? Was I being punished for spending Easter Lunch alone in Houston rather than celebrating with family?

Regardless, the final rating of Tornado Burger was the first clear "1" in Burger Quest. However, little did I know that on the horizon was the best burger in Houston so far...

If you want to experience burger misery yourself, you can find Tornado Burger at 505 Murphy Road, Stafford, TX 77477-5417.

Final Tornado Burger taste rating -- 1.

Review #1 -- Burger Shack

Rewind to a late March Friday in 2010 -- the day Burger Quest began. I left the office at a reasonable hour (7:30 PM for all you non-attorneys) and was craving a burger. Naturally, after having In-N-Out the week before, not just any burger would work. I needed a mountain of a burger...not mountainous in size, rather mountainous in quality. Fortunately, internet forums heard my plea and Google suggested Burger Shack to quench my hunger.

After my navigation system took me to the wrong place, I looked around using the archaic methods of reading street signs and business/house numbers. I felt like a pilgrim in some ways. Somehow, I managed to find the place.



As you can see, it wasn't much to look at. That's usually the mark of a great burger place. After all, if you can convince people to eat in a place that should otherwise be condemned, then the food is probably pretty awesome. Sadly, I didn't get a picture of the burger. At that time, Burger Quest was a mere twinkle in my eye. Nonetheless, I'll describe it for you.

The burger was reasonably thick. I'd guess it was only 1/3 of a pound, but it wasn't large in diameter. The restaurant advertised that they never freeze the meat, and I believe them. The meat was smooth and melted in my mouth just a bit. It was cooked just right, but it was also overly seasoned. I'm not a fan of garlic, and I'm positive this burger had plenty of it. I only had about 1/3 of the burger, but I tasted the garlic aftertaste all night. The fries were adequate, but not particularly good. I'd liken them to those flavorless thick square fries that you get from low end bars.

If I were rating freshness, I'd give it a 9. Unfortunately, I'm only interested in the taste of the burger, because that's really what Burger Quest is all about. For that reason, I have to give it a 4. Anything below a 5 is considered FAIL. Therefore, Burger Shack is unfortunately a failed candidate for best Houston burger.

However, if you love garlic and want a fresh tasting burger to tide you over until In-N-Out comes around (and you don't mind generic fries), take a drive over to Burger Shack and don't trust your navigation systems. You can find it at 14741 Memorial Drive, Houston, TX 77079-5236, just west of Dairy Ashford on Memorial.

Final Burger Shack rating -- 4.

Progress so far

There are many burger places that I've been to in Houston over the past couple of years. I will revisit a few of these for Burger Quest 2010, but most are probably not worth the effort. Here's a list of places that fit into this category: Backyard Burgers, Whataburger, Culver's, Steak N Shake, Chili's, McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Otto's, Southwell's, Prince's, Fuddruckers, The Spot, Beck's Prime, Guy's Meat Market, Miller's Cafe, Smash Burger, Five Guys, Houston's, Cheesecake Factory, Wimpy's, and Red Robin.

I've also already started Burger Quest and will retroactively update the blog on the places I've tried in the last 2 weeks. Upcoming reviews include: Christian's Tailgate (both locations), Tornado Burger, Burger Shack, Lankford's Grocery, and Mytiburger.

Places currently on the list to try are: Mel's Country Cafe, Luckyburger, Bellaire Broiler Burger, Two Forks, Pappa's Burgers, Tookie's (may be closed down), Avalon Diner, 59 Diner, Barbeque Inn, Champ Burger, Cream Burger, Bubba's Burger Shack, Poppa Burger, Shuttle Burger, Roznovsky's, Someburger, Jax Grill, Adrian's, Burger Tex, Pete's Fine Meats, PO's Burger and Root Beer, Bill's Cafe, Carlo's Beer Garden, Outpost Tavern, South Shore Beer Garden, Sparkle Burger, Stanton's, Hubcap Grill, Annie's Hamburgers, Sam's Deli Diner, Rudyard's, Clay's, Cue's, Wild Kitchen, Roadster Grill, Market Square Bar and Grill, Moore's Double Horn Grill, Burgerzilla, Cayhill's, Max's Wine Dive, Petroleum Club, Beaver's, District 7, and Frank's Chop House.

Let me know if I missed any.

The Burger Quest 2010 Mission Statement

Some burgers are good. A few burgers are great. Good or great burgers satisfy most people, but I'm not most people. I'm a purist (and a picky eater). I don't put toppings on my burger -- I eat it plain with just the meat, ketchup, and a bun. It's easy to disguise an average burger with toppings to distract from the meat's flavor, but it's much harder to do with the way I eat burgers.

The perfect burger. That's the Holy Grail for someone like myself. Fortunately, it exists. Unfortunately, it doesn't exist in Texas. In-N-Out Burger, the only burger I consider a perfect 10, is only available in California, Arizona, Nevada, and Utah despite the company's insistence they're coming to Texas. It's my goal with this blog to try every burger place in Houston until I've found a legitimate In-N-Out competitor. Please post suggestions here if you have them. Keep in mind, I prefer thinner burgers with great flavor.

I'll provide a review for every place I go on a scale of 1-10. Generally, 1 means "not edible" and 10 means "burger perfection", whereas 5 means "average". As an example, In-N-Out is a 10, Tornado Burger is a 1, and Wendy's is a 5. I'm really doing this for me, but I figure someone else might share my burger tastes and it could benefit them.